When I was growing up all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I’m the oldest on my dad’s side of the family {who we grew up with}, & just happened to be the only girl. I was literally born for it. A mother my whole life.
I saw visions of beach & park days, children’s museums, & learning activities filling my days to the brim. I wanted to spend every waking second with my {future} babies.
I would have never guessed that I’d be writing a blog, co-hosting a podcast, building a detox program, & taking clients during my early motherhood.
I love my job with every fiber of my body. It fills my soul with radiating warmth, & I get to work in the field of children’s well being, which my heart beats for.
But it wasn’t the plan.
I’m blessed with a beautiful, intelligent, wise & spunky little boy, but our days aren’t filled with park dates or children’s museums. We’re lucky if we get a book read.
The reality is that my days are filled with cooking, cleaning, tons of e-mails, diaper changing, conference calls, moments of playing on the floor, & lots of 10-20 minute work bursts fit in wherever I can.
Some days we don’t even leave the house.
Am I an awful mother?
It’s ironic to me that I spend so much time sitting in front of a computer helping others to achieve their own blessing while mine is playing on the floor by himself.
Some days the guilt comes on so strong that I’m brought to tears.
Does he need more of me? Am I being selfish? Am I missing out on the only thing I ever wanted? Should I drop it all & just be present for him?
mama guilt is the worst!
It makes me feel silly for having a life outside of being a mother. A life that is ironically dedicated to helping others become mothers.
It makes me feel insufficient compared to the mamas that have chosen to love up their babies all day long, uninterrupted.
But…it also makes me stop.
These last few weeks have been the busiest in my life. I’ve made some big decisions & huge changes, I’ve pushed myself to a place of discomfort growth like never before.
& every time I feel buried in work mama guilt steps in.
So this is my letter to her:
Mama G,
I hear you.
As much as I wish that you didn’t come around in the most seemingly inopportune moments, a.k.a. the busiest, I understand that that’s your job. I’ll admit that my first instinct is to be angry when you’re around…you make me feel pretty awful. But you’re also a reminded to slow down & take in the small boy that’s changed my world, & for that I’m thankful.
Let’s keep this short & sweet. I may not always welcome you with open arms, but I’ll be more open-minded to the message you’re trying to send when I feel you creep up.
to listening, letting go, & moving on,
